Fitz




Crown of Clowns for July 27, 2015


Today's Crown of Clowns goes to a South Carolina woman by the name of Helen Williams. Helen was arrested forstabbing her husband. She stabbed him not with a knife, but…ready for it…Helen stabbed him with a squirrel.

Oh sure, it was a ceramic squirrel, but it was still a squirrel. Seriously, Helen hit him over the head with the squirrel, it broke, and then she stabbed him in the shoulder and chest. He is doing okay, but the reason she stabbed him with the squirrel is because he went to the store and returned without…without her Natural Light!

My Points:
  1. Helen, I get it, when you have a craving for the always refreshing Natty Light…nothing else will do, but is it worth going to jail for?
  2. Helen, you do get creative points…I've heard of stabbing with a knife and even a samurai sword? You are truly nuttier than squirrel poop!
  3. Lastly, I would like to recommend Coors Light…now being served in cans, glass bottles, and the all new aluminum bottles, and for a limited time you can get an 18 pack for only $15! Did I mention they're a sponsor of the show?
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Locations : South Carolina
People : Helen Williams




 

The Crown of Clowns for July 24, 2015


We don't have a name so let's call him…Smokey. And Smokey is our crown of clown today…and here is why:
Smokey was riding his mountain bike in the Boise foothills and nature called…he had to go to the bathroom, but of course there were no toilets. So he stopped his bicycle and dropped his pants, dropped a deuce, and then…then he wanted to be environmentally sensitive so he lit the toilet paper on fire and…well…he also lit up 73 acres! Yes, he burned down 73 acres. Smokey turned himself in and told authorities that he accidently caught the forest on fire while lighting the toilet paper.

My Points:
  1. Smokey, I honestly feel sorry for you, because…well..your heart was in the right place, but your ass was not. It's happened to the best of us, but we didn't burn down half the state of Idaho.
  2. Smokey, honesty is always…always…the best policy, UNLESS you just committed a major crime. At that point you need to listen to the words of my father Green Beret Bob who says, "Deny-Deny-Deny."
  3. Lastly, Listen to my words, because I've always said…Dance like no one is watching, and poop like no one is in the stall next to you. So God bless you.
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Topics : Human Interest
Locations : Idaho
People : Green Beret Bob




 

Crown of Clowns for July 23, 2015


Today's Crown of Clowns goes to Todd Fassler of San Diego. Todd was walking on a trail when he looked down and saw a rattlesnake. So believe it or not, he picked it up to get a selfie for Facebook! And I know this is shocking, but that was not…not a good idea. The rattlesnake bit him, and the injuries to his arm were severe. So severe that he was quickly on death's door. He is alive thanks to several anti-venom shots. In the end…his medical costs were $153,000!

My Points:
  1. Todd, note to self, when a snake has A RATTLE…IT'S A RATTLE-SNAKE!!!
  2. Toddie, read the Bible, who always played the snake? Could IT BE SAAAATAN?
  3. Speaking of the good book, if you had gone to Bowie Baptist with me as a kid…you would have learned how to handle snakes. As Rev. Oddie always said, LET THE GOOD LORD LEAD…OR YOU WILL BLEED!
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Locations : San Diego
People : Bowie BaptistTodd Fassler




 

Crown of Clowns for July 10, 2015

Today's Crown of Clowns may be offensive to some of you listening…in fact…some of you may be getting the crown of clowns today. I'm talking to anyone…anyone who puts ICE CUBES in their cereal!!!!

There is a new food trend…people are putting ICE CUBES in cereal. And like all terrible trends these days, it's spreading by all you crazy kids snapping pics and putting them on Instagram! But again, there is a group of people out there, and you know who you are…that are putting ice cubes in…in the cereal.

My Points:

1-Listen you ice dropping cereal clowns… The thought of an ice cube next to one of my cute little marshmallows almost makes me cry! Seriously, unless you are Dairy Queen …keep anything frozen away from my Captain Crunch!

2-OH…OH I have an idea…I will accept you making ice cubes with THE milk OR…OR how about this…use ice cream. THEN LET IT melt into the bowl and around the little fiber-sugar filled chunks of love. But again…some things you just shouldn't mess with!

Which takes us to my THIRD POINT:

3- You don't mess with America's Fruit Loops, Lucky Charms, OR Captain Crunch!

· Do you put ice cubes on a hot dog? NO
· Do you put ice cubes on apple pie? NO

This is America and if you don't like America…you can get out!

So today we give the crown to the ice cube/cereal combo clowns!
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Topics : Human Interest
People : Crunch




 

What are You Kidding Me Story of The Day for July 9, 2015

A little girl RATS OUT her own father to the police!

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Topics : Human InterestLaw_Crime
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Crown of Clowns for July 9, 2015


Let's call this gentle Jimmy…Jimmy is a guy who was hiking a mountain in Wales last weekend when a thunderstorm suddenly hit. And apparently he took out his selfie stick to get a sweet picture of himself in the storm. Because let's face it . . . that's just what you do in 2015 when you're hiking during a thunderstorm.

But his selfie stick had some metal in it . . . so it was basically like he was holding up a lightning rod. And right on cue, a bolt of lightning hit the selfie stick . . . traveled through his body . . . and ... well…hello Jesus!

And there you have it . . . the world's first "death by selfie stick."

Points:

1-If I've said it once, I've said it 100 times…selfies kill! When are you people going to start listening. God hates selfies!

2-Speaking of which, I have to say…your chances of getting hit by lightning are like 1 in 7 ZILLION…so Jimmy, love ya but it was your time. Hell, more people die by having a vending machine fall on them. GOD WANTED YOU…IT WAS YOUR DAY!

3-Lastly, if using selfie stick can kill you……ELLEN…..we will miss you.
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What are You Kidding Me for July 7, 2015


Out of Florida … Nip Slip

Gale Higley got into an argument with her son a few weeks ago…and it got ugly. How ugly you ask? Well it got physical…and the 65 year-old momma has a much different story than her son.

She says he argued with her over how to bake lasagna . . . he wanted her to make it in the oven, she wanted to use the microwave. Things escalated and she SLAPPED him.

He says…oh no…their argument was actually over how much money she'd just spent at Walmart . . . and she was so mad she STABBED him. She stabbed him right in the nipple! And then she slapped him…yes it was the dreaded nipple stab followed by a slap to the face. Either way, they both told the cops she attacked him, so she was arrested for battery.

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Locations : Florida
People : Gale Higley




 

Crown of Clowns for July 7, 2015


The crown of clowns goes to one of my homeboys in Texas. Unfortunately, this story does not have a happy ending…because our clown one Tommie Woodward went down in a flame of glory.

28 year-old Tommie Boy wanted to go swimming in a pond, but there it was…a sign as big as Texas that said, "No Swimming: Alligator." Some people told him…don't do it Tommy…we saw a huge alligator in there just two days ago. And Tommie said, and I quote, "Eff that Alligator" and jumped right in.

And witness say that the gator hit him like a large mouth bass hitting a top water lure! His feet barely hit the water before out of nowhere the alligator came up and took him out. It is the first time an alligator has eaten someone in almost 10 years.

My Points:
  1. Tommie…Tommie…Tommie, in the words of the great Bill Engval, "There's your sign." No seriously, THERE WAS A SIGN.
  2. Tommie…you would have thought you would have at least called Crochodile Dundee to join you or maybe Steve Irwin…oh wait..moving on
  3. Tommie, you can rest in peace because this happened in Texas…meaning the Alligator is now two pair of boots and one hell of a belt!
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Locations : Texas
People : Bill EngvalSteve IrwinTommie BoyTommie Woodward




 

What are You Kidding Me for July 6, 2015


Out of Minnesota ... Brace Yourself

Tommy Ray is dumber than a box of hair and here is the proof…he recently broke into someone's home and smashed…smashed a vase of the owner's head then stole his credit cards, cell phone, and some jewelry! Now, that isn't what makes him dumb…that just makes him mean and nasty. What makes him dumb…a down right idiot is he did this while wearing his GPS ANKLE BRACELET! Yeah, the ones they give criminals on probation to know exactly where they are at any given second.
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Topics : Human Interest
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Locations : Minnesota
People : Tommy Ray




 

Crown of Clowns for July 6, 2015


Our Crown of Clowns today is NOT…I repeat…NOT funny but I'm sorry, this guy by the name of Devon Staples has to get a Crown of Clowns. Unfortunately, he also now has a crown in heaven because Devon decided to shoot a mortar style firework from the top of HIS HEAD!
He stood the mortar tube on top his head and lit the fuse and apparently the mortar ball did not leave the tube and bye bye Devon.

My Points:
  1. It's one thing to love fireworks but you didn't have to lose your head!
  2. Devon…next time you should…oh wait, but anyway…have you never heard of bottle rocks or black cats! A mortar? Seriously!
  3. Devon, fortunately for you…there is not an IQ requirement to get into heaven.
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People : Devon Staples