Jayson Curtiss got pulled over back in April and the cops found a bag with about a pound of a leafy green substance in his SUV.
He told them, quote, "I'm a licensed dealer of that."
When they didn't buy that, he said, quote, "It's for aromatherapy."
When they didn't buy THAT, he said, quote, "It's my yard clippings."
So they said, "Which is it…your are licensed dealer, it's aromatherapy, or yard clipping?" He then literally said, "I'm going to go with yard clippings."
So they took it to a lab for testing, and it turns out it was a synthetic marijuana called "spice," which has been illegal in Florida for over two years. So Jayson was arrested and hit with a bunch of felony narcotics charges.
Ladies and gentlemen, here…here is why you should focus on getting fat and not fit when on vacations. A man who we know was in his 60s was working out in a hotel gym in Fort Lauderdale on Wednesday morning . . . he was getting pumped up for his day on "Geritol Beach." And while he was on the chess press…well…he fell off. Yep, he just tipped over on one of the machines. He fell over & somehow got his HEAD stuck.
It took several minutes, but someone finally walked into the gym to find our poor dude just lying there on the floor with his head stuck in the fitness machine. The fire department had to come & use torches and saws to get him out. But thankfully our pumped up senior citizen is going to be just fine…the only thing damaged was his ego.
We don't have a name so let's call him…Smokey. And Smokey is our crown of clown today…and here is why:
Smokey was riding his mountain bike in the Boise foothills and nature called…he had to go to the bathroom, but of course there were no toilets. So he stopped his bicycle and dropped his pants, dropped a deuce, and then…then he wanted to be environmentally sensitive so he lit the toilet paper on fire and…well…he also lit up 73 acres! Yes, he burned down 73 acres. Smokey turned himself in and told authorities that he accidently caught the forest on fire while lighting the toilet paper.
Smokey, I honestly feel sorry for you, because…well..your heart was in the right place, but your ass was not. It's happened to the best of us, but we didn't burn down half the state of Idaho.
Smokey, honesty is always…always…the best policy, UNLESS you just committed a major crime. At that point you need to listen to the words of my father Green Beret Bob who says, "Deny-Deny-Deny."
Lastly, Listen to my words, because I've always said…Dance like no one is watching, and poop like no one is in the stall next to you. So God bless you.
Today's Crown of Clowns goes to Todd Fassler of San Diego. Todd was walking on a trail when he looked down and saw a rattlesnake. So believe it or not, he picked it up to get a selfie for Facebook! And I know this is shocking, but that was not…not a good idea. The rattlesnake bit him, and the injuries to his arm were severe. So severe that he was quickly on death's door. He is alive thanks to several anti-venom shots. In the end…his medical costs were $153,000!
Todd, note to self, when a snake has A RATTLE…IT'S A RATTLE-SNAKE!!!
Toddie, read the Bible, who always played the snake? Could IT BE SAAAATAN?
Speaking of the good book, if you had gone to Bowie Baptist with me as a kid…you would have learned how to handle snakes. As Rev. Oddie always said, LET THE GOOD LORD LEAD…OR YOU WILL BLEED!
Today's Crown of Clown goes to one Tim K. of Delaware. And here is why, Tim just placed an ad for his golf clubs on Craigslist, and they are a brand new set of clubs and he is only asking $500. AND here is what Tim says in his posting:
"I'm only selling them because I got married a year ago and my wife no longer lets me play golf. Actually she doesn't let me do anything fun. I'd like to sell them to a single guy who has no intention of ever getting married. As for the price, it's negotiable. Quote, "Looking to get $500, but realistically it doesn't matter how much they sell for since the money will go toward buying my wife more useless [crap]."
Once the ad started going viral yesterday, Tim deleted it . . . probably because he was afraid his wife would find out about it.
1-First let this crown of clowns be a lesson for all of you thinking to get married! Anytime…anytime you are in a relationship and you begin using phrases like, "they don't allow me to…" You should run…run like hell! Which brings me to point 2
2-Tim…you need to pull your boys out of your wife's purse now. Tell her you need a lover not another mother! God gave you one momma and you don't need another one.
3-Timbo, I would say more, but I have to go because my wife said I had to be home in 15 miuntes or I'm grounded!
Today's Crown of Clowns goes to a man who has figured out how to lose millions and millions of dollars. His name is Curtis James Jackson, but you know him as 50 Cent! Yes 50 Cent has declared bankruptcy three days after being ordered to pay his Baby momma $5 million dollars. And he was ordered to pay that money because he leaked a "TAPE" without her permission. 50's lawyers say he could owe up to $50 million bucks to creditors.
My Ironic Points:
A guy who had a huge hit called "Magic Stick" is about to lose 5 million dollars because of his…Magic Stick
50, everyone use to be able to find you in DA CLUB, but now you can't even get IN da club
And finally, my last ironic point is… 50 Cent is now only worth…well…50 cents.
Marshay Frenard is in a little trouble due to his insane jealousy! In fact, he is now in jail because he assaulted his girlfriend's teddy bears!!!!
Marshay went to his girlfriend's home and grabbed one big ole teddy bear and stabbed it, and then...then he grabbed another one and put lighter fluid all over it and fired it up!
He then threw the stuffed fire ball into the fireplace and left, but not...not before leaving a note that he would return to burn the house down if she didn't take him back.
1-Marshay - Marshay - Marshay, I can't believe you did that ... I can't believe you left a note. Never leave a note. Oh and it was a little...a little psychotic
2-I'm no relationship expert, but...uh...but I'm fairly sure Dr. Phil would tell you that if you want to get a woman to take you back, stabbing and burning her stuffed animals is not the first step to take. Try flowers next time.
3-Marshay you need to find another woman who is the same kind of crazy as you...so let me give you a website to check out...go to www.EllenTailor.com
The Chicago PD is on the lookout for a bank robber who came into a Citibank Branch and swore that he had a bomb underneath of his huge and hideous bright yellow poncho. Well the tellers didn't take any chances and loaded up a big bag full of money for him. She then placed it on the counter as the big bird looking robber began having some kind of conversation with her and then he left…he left forgetting the bag of cash. Cops are on the look out for a man who is about 6' 7" and weight 230 pounds and is very very ADD. Hummmm…they may want to check out @followfitz on Facebook.
TODAYS CROWN OF CLOWN GOES TO THE LOCAL GOVERNMENT IN WASHINGTON D.C.
You see, A drummer's fart has cost a Washington D.C. nightclub $500. I repeat… A drummer's fart has cost a Washington D.C. nightclub $500.
Seriously, a drummer playing in the Madam's Blues Bar cranked one out, and then to lessen the impact…he opened a window. Well, that broke a law in WASHINGTON DC. because bars are not permitted to have windows open when a band is playing.
So I kid you not, at 1:30 in the morning a person from the Alcohol Beverage Admin spotted the open window and gave the bar a fine. And to make this more absurd, the Alcohol board spent one year perusing legal action against the bar…AGAIN.. because a dude opened a window to air out his fart!
Ladies and Gentleman let’s please remember this was WASHINGTON D.C. AKA one of the murder capitals of the world, AND they are worried about an open window.
Here is an idea, we have had to people jump the fence at the white house…as in the president of the usa’s house…maybe you should spend some time checking the windows there!
You guys are worried about one guy’s little fart…when the white house has 100s of elected officials who are COMPLETELY full of crap!!! REALLY???