Michele Michaels

 


The Skinny Pirate






According to a recent report in the Archives of Internal Medicine, women who drink 5 to 30 grams of alcohol a day are less likely to get fat. OK, so the Archives of Internal Medicine didn’t use the word “fat”, but you get my drift.

Don’t carry a handy gram counter with you wherever you go? No app for that yet? Not to worry: basically this means you can have a half glass of wine, a can of beer, or a shot of Jack, depending upon who’s buying.

My drink of choice is Captain Morgan & Coke. If my friend Adella orders them for me, it’s a Captain and Diet Coke (which she calls a “Skinny Pirate” and I call “Captain & Blech!”) This is beside the point, however; what I take exception to is the idea that all drinks are created equal when it comes to weight control.

My own personal research has resulted in a far different conclusion: One drink a day only works if you’re single and that drink is wine. How do I know this? Because I drink as often as I can (weekends and when the boss is out of town) and nobody would accuse me of getting any skinnier. But every unattached woman I know who drinks wine is able to zip her jeans without lying down on the bed.

Take for example my girlfriends: Girlfriend A (GFA) is a beautiful platinum blonde DJ with a derriere to die for (it’s Savannah Jones, so you can stop guessing). Girlfriend B (GFB) is another gorgeous blonde whose body is sheer perfection (Robin, this is you.) Needless to say, I secretly detest both GFA and GFB and avoid them whenever possible because by comparison, I am a sweaty female version of Shrek. Also in the party are Girlfriend C (GFC), a zaftig redhead with the face of a angel (love ya, Heather) and Adella (who defies description and a three-letter acronym).

Both GFA and GFB drink wine, almost exclusively. Me, GFC and Adella drink everything else. Of course, GFA and GFB are also both single…while the rest of us are married. Which proves my other point: Having a husband makes it necessary to drink something stronger than wine, and definitely more than one shot. In fact, my research has determined that for every hour you spend in the company of your spouse, a minimum of two shots is required to maintain something resembling sanity. I say “minimum” because there are occasions when only full-on intoxication will keep you from ending up on the evening news for “accidentally” putting a pillow over his head in his sleep.

So here’s the bottom line: If you want your bottom line to stay thin, drink wine whenever you can…and if you want to have an awesome getaway with your alcoholic girlfriends, go here and enter to win a free weekend at the gorgeous Allison Inn & Spa. Wanna touch up your toenails or fit in a facial before you go…for free? Drop by the Northwest Chevy Dealer close to you and test drive a new Chevy, and they’ll hook you up with a $40 Spafinder.com gift card--just make sure you’re sober at the time or the deal’s off. :-)


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06/22/2011 8:04AM
The Skinny Pirate
Please Enter Your Comments Below
06/23/2011 6:48AM
Heather
Ah...Michele...this is one of my faves...love ya, girlie! Skinny Pirates this weekend!
07/12/2011 2:09PM
Alexander4
...... Need cheap generic ABANA?...
07/26/2011 2:00AM
TypeprorceTub
I would like to thank you for the efforts you have put in writing this site. I'm hoping the same high-grade blog post from you in the future as well. Actually your creative writing abilities has inspired me to get my own website going now. Actually blogging is spreading its wings and growing fast. Your write up is a great example. fat burning furnace free
07/28/2011 8:45PM
Seelfreds
Hello Everyone, I am new here and looking forward to participating in your discussions :) :)
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