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Ellen Tailor


Blog #1 - My Personal and Private Struggle with Weight, Body Image, & Self-Confi

I beat myself up over my weight and how I look everyday. It starts in the morning when I tell myself, "Today is the day you change." And I truly believe it...for about 10 minutes. I've been telling myself that exact same thing, every single day, for the past four years. And I've failed, every single day, for the past four years. Why is today going to be any different?

It's scary and exciting to start over like I did when I moved 2,200 miles away from everything I'd ever known. But people in the Great Northwest never knew "the real me." Thinner. For all they know, I've always been like this. A failure.

Station events have become the bane of my existence. Not because I don't like interacting with our amazing listeners but because I can only imagine what they think when they see me. "She talks about losing weight but I haven't noticed a difference. Is she lying?" But what will people say after I lose weight? I'm more scared of the attention that I'd get for being in shape than for being fat! I already shy away from the "fame" that comes along with my job. At least me carrying around a few extra pounds makes me relatable. (There I go trying to justify being overweight.)

The extra pounds I carry might as well be a neon lit sign shining brightly that screams, "I'm not in control!" Another thing I hate. Not being in control. More often times than not I can mask it with jokes and hide behind a smile. But how do I cover up my lack of control with it prominently displayed on my ass, hips, and around my waist. I'm embarrassed. I don't know which I'm more embarrassed by. The actual fat or the nonverbal signal I give off that screams, "I can't control my addiction!"

I've put off life experiences because I think I'll be able to enjoy them more without this extra weight. I don't want to look back on pictures and say, "Wow! I was fat!" Or even worse, gain more weight then look back and say, "Wow! I was skinny then!"

My weight is a physical barrier for the emotional wall I've put up, especially with men. Despite popular belief, I have gotten really hot guys. I'm ridiculously picky which I have no reason to be since I'm no catch (or at least I don't feel like it). But it never lasts because of me. I push everyone away. Why would a hot guy ever want to be seen with a girl like me? My confidence shield is just a show. Yes, I have a lucrative job. Yes, I'm an independent woman. And yes, I'm funny from time to time. But don't mistake any of that for confidence. I'm not confident at all. I need someone to handle me with kid gloves. But how will that happen if my pride prevents me from telling anyone that's what I need?

The saying "You should like me for what's on the inside" is crap. My outside, my fat exterior, screams that I'm scared, unhappy, and extremely self-conscious. That makes my inside ugly and weak and no one wants to be around that, including me. I justified gaining weight because I have a cute face. Then I got a pretty cool job and figured an extra 20 pounds wouldn't be that big of a deal.


I thought it'd be easier. Easier to lose the weight that has consumed my mind, body, and soul. My co-host Tony and I were introduced to a fabulous group of people at Optimal 365. Simply by eating right, Tony lost 15 pounds in what seemed like a blink of an eye. He gets showered with compliments from everyone at the office, deservedly so because he looks great! Not only does it take me longer to lose weight because I'm a girl, I have a lot more of it to get rid of.

I'm so hard on myself when I cheat. I feel as if I've completely ruined the new healthy lifestyle and I quit. Game over. A cheat meal turns into a cheat day which leads to cheat week, month, and year. This can't be an option anymore.

I know what needs to be done so with all due respect, spare me your sales pitch on the latest diet pill or weight loss energy drink. I have a great support team on my side at Optimal 365 and truly believe that Anne is my guardian angel. With her help, unwavering support and mentoring, I know I can lose this weight. But ultimately, I need to believe in myself. So if everyone else supports me, why can't I?

Allow me to reiterate. There is not one day that goes by where these thoughts don't run rampant through my head. Is this normal? Am I alone? If I am, I've publicly announced to everyone that I'm loony tunes. If there are others who read this that go through the same thing (and God I hope there is although I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy), then take comfort in knowing I'm right there with you.

I need to believe in myself. Allowing these thoughts to consume me is robbing years of my life. Like I said before, I know what needs to be done, I'm just scared to do it. Am I crazy for being scared to lose weight? Is THAT what the real problem is?

Someone much wiser than me once said, "Until you accept the struggle, you'll never realize the accomplishment." I've struggled for too long without acceptance. In making public what has been my most private thoughts and demons, I'm choosing to move forward. Choosing to embrace the difficult road filled with temptation that's to come. And choosing to let go and be happy because dammit, I deserve it.

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03/29/2013 6:09AM
My Very Personal and Private (Unitl Now) Struggle with Weight, Body Image, and Self-Confidence.
Please Enter Your Comments Below
03/29/2013 8:52AM
The 'Real' You
Never give up. Heard that before, I am sure. I used to teach weight loss classes locally and I know. I have seen it many times. But, just don't let yourself have 'failed' or 'cheat' days, weeks, years. If you fall off the wagon, get RIGHT BACK ON! NOW. Not after dinner, or tomorrow, NOW. Acknowledge it, and move on You are the real you, and people do see that, and soon, you will too! Keep up the good work
03/29/2013 8:55AM
You are not alone!
You are not alone in your struggle. I think it is very amazing that you put yourself out there like that. Keep your support system, eat healthy and maintain a positive attitude. You can do this :)
03/29/2013 8:57AM
I feel your pain
Ellen I feel your pain and know exactly where you are at right now. I too have had a very long, hard, and painful struggle with weightloss and self image/esteem. For years I tried every gimmick and diet out there to no avail. Nothing I did helped me to lose the weight. I was so comsumed with self doubt and privately disgusted with myself and didn't understand why everything I tried didn't work. Finally a few years ago something clicked in my head. I realized that I needed to los the weight for me and not for anyone else or any image of what I thought was healthy. I joined a gym and started weight watchers and low and behold in about a years time I lost 60 pounds. I felt good about myself for the first time in I don't know how many years. I still struggle and have gained a little back (15 pounds) but I'm not letting it consume me like it had in the past. I am finally happy with me and that's all that matters. Keep doing what you are doing - be happy with you and it will all start to fall into place.
03/29/2013 8:58AM
Not alone
You aren't alone. I have struggled my whole life and still haven't found a way to lose the weight. Maybe together we can do it.
03/29/2013 9:07AM
Hugs. You just wrote everything I too am experiencing. I work out like crazy but I eat and party too much and find myself trapped in the same thinking patterns you are. Much love and hugs to you!
03/29/2013 9:10AM
You can do it!
Hi!! I'm in the same boat as you girl. I think over half of American women are! I started diet & exercise January 14 2013. Have lost a little over 20 lbs since. I was so happy! Until I started thinking how much further I had to go & how long it was gonna take. Then started the depression again, ate out a couple times last week & no exercise...gained a couple pounds back. Even more depressed now, ate out every day this week & have not exercised at all...scared to even get on the scale. We can all do it, we just need support. Everyone knew how hard I was working at loosing weight but maybe only 1-3 people even noticed I had lost weight...or they were just trying to be nice. I live out here alone, moved from Indiana when I was 19. No family or friends out here. I work, hang out with my kids... That's it. Anyways! I'm here for you! Maybe we can start a FB page to help each other keep motivated? Like a support group. We could share recipes, exercise tips, help each other out when things start going bad. Maybe meet up once in awhile for hikes or walks? Just an idea!! I wish you the best of luck. You are a wonderful, beautiful & funny woman!!
03/29/2013 9:10AM
Been there Ellen
You can do this Ellen, I thought the samething it took me 10 yrs but finally got it under control, it was a major lifestyle change but so worth it I have lost 240 lbs since 11/2011,,,, hang in there you can do tjis
03/29/2013 9:10AM
Hi Ellen,
Failure?? You look great Ellen!!! What will people say after you lose weight? Whats your secret for looking so great? :) Your exterior screams "I'm a strong independant woman!!" :) Don't worry about changing so much - I've lost a ton of weight - but it didn't change what I am inside.. You shouldn't change either you're already strong(enough to share so much), Beautiful, and Hilarious!!! :)
03/29/2013 9:12AM
You are not crazy.
Losing weight is a very scary thing. People get so used to hiding behind it and using it as almost an excuse and even a security blanket. I've realized over the years that if a guy doesn't like me, it must be because I'm fat. But what if I'm not fat anymore? If a guy doesn't like me, then it's because he actually doesn't like me. That's too scary to me. If I'm not fat anymore, what will be my excuse? I've been fat, skinny, fat, skinny, and fat again all my life. The sad thing is that even when I was doing Insanity six days a week and had a killer body, I still thought of myself as the fat girl. It really is all a state of mind. Changing your attitude is the first step. If you see yourself as disgusting and "the fat friend" then you will always be the fat friend... no matter how amazingly fit or thin you get. “You must begin to think of yourself as becoming the person you want to be.”
03/29/2013 9:20AM
Not alone
I'm right there with you on everything! I hate seeing people I grew up with because they know only about 2 years about I was 50 pounds lighter and skinny. Also now the me and my longterm boyfriend broke up I'm scared to have guys even hold mebecause how self conscious I am over myself. But I'm gonna try to start running and eating healthy because I want to look at myself and be happy. And I know someday that will happen for you too! Just keep trying but know you're not alone!
03/29/2013 9:20AM
Same here
Ellen - i soooo get you! I have had the same struggle most of my adult life..i am 60 now...I those some gain some..ive been a size 6 and a size 18 and everything in between...Why couldn't i hold on to the size 6 ? i did for a year, then it was a year an 8 and then i moved to the great NW and gained 10 lbs a year..Everyone at work TALKS about eating healthy and a healthy life style, but then they bring the "treats" and then candy...EVERY month there is a holiday that has candy...grrr...i think it's not only our mind set, but i believe that we who struggle with our weight have a fat gene that doesn't go away...i think that after we lose the weight we want to be able to eat like "normal" people...maybe that isn't possible....Good luck to you my dear, may you find the solution for you at your early age, i am certainly rooting for you !
03/29/2013 9:20AM
Starting over
Ellen, I understand the whole moving and starting over challenge. I recently moved 3000 miles to Portland. I thought it was my chance to start over. But like you I would cheat on my diet and it would all go down hill. I finally joined Weight Watchers and have lost almost 8 lbs. It may seem like a little but what I have gained in support is so big. Our leader at meetings always says "so you took the off ramp for a day, you can always get back on tomorrow". Tomorrow is always a new day and you can always start over. Thanks for writing this blog, it is good to not be alone.
03/29/2013 9:21AM
HI Ellen, we all have our evil critc inside. Once you learn that you are beautiful who you are things will change. Start littl and do not compare to others! Self improvement never ends through out your life. Have confidence in your self set small easily reachable goals. Last year I was diagnosed with type II diabetes. About nearly went into a diabetic coma. Today I am off the insulin, reduced medication and improving each month. My weight will always be an issue, though I am not yet extremely overweight I have the genetic disposition to become obese like my mother & grandmother, grandfather., and etc.. you get the picture.. What I have done is changed my eating habbits. Why? because my life depended on it. I also have been married three times. Something I am not proud of. Three years ago I went to my class reunion and I had a FB freinds lunch. I met several long time freinds from HS there and one of them is now my fiance. Yep going to try one more time. But before I tie the knot again, I decided maybe all my ex's weren't all crazy and just maybe I needed to improve. So I have over the last 2.5 years set myself on a self improvement journey. Learning how to communicate, developing positive mental start each day. What I am saying is we all have our inner demons that you can overcome. You sound so positive on the radio yet your underlying tone is you are not happy with yourself. You can be and only you can change it!! Each morning start out your day and look in the mirror, tell yourself you are beautiful and going to have a new refreshing day, and most importantly puut on a smile. Yes, smile at yourself in the mirror!! IT MAKES THE DAY START HAPPY! Do the same when you go home and getting ready for bed!
03/29/2013 9:21AM
Big hugs
My weight has always been a source of insecurity, and to make it worse my ex husband (when he was my husband) used it to fuel his superiority and make me feel even worse. I have recently lost a great deal of weight on the controversial hcg diet, and am keeping it off. But it isn't easy. Being where I am is no longer a choice as I see it, because choices give me power to change my choice and ultimately fail. I have become my own dictator of health.....I find one new healthy substitute or recipe a week. I have sworn off soda (but so help me god I will never drop the coffee) and am now working on no wheat products. Once I took my choice away, I began succeeding. Quit doing pep talks and do one thing a day that makes you feel good/special/empowered. Actions speak louder than words!
03/29/2013 9:22AM
same here corrected
I *lose* some...
03/29/2013 9:30AM
don't beat yourself up!!!
Ellen, I am a mother of 5 I've never had a weight problem until about 2 yrs ago. I gained 65 pounds in 2 years and couldn't figure it out. I lost sleep stopped eating and worried all the time. Nothing worked not diet pills, exercise or watching what I ate. Last year I found out I had thyroid cancer and had my thyroid removed. It has been a struggle still trying to lose weight, but I keep telling myself that it is what I want in life that matters. I still work out and when I hit my weight loss goal I celebrate with myself (get a pedi or something). I fall off the wagon sometimes but now when I start to beat myself up I remember that it's not bad as long as I get back up and start over. I've recently done a juice fast and in 1 week was able to drop 12 1/2 pounds!! Total motivation and it keeps me going. Now I juice cleanse at least once a month for 3-5 days. It makes me feel healthier and I feel better about me! If you need any advise let me know. BTW since Jan. I've lost a total of 24 pounds. I know I still have a LONG way to go, but I also know this is a marathon not a sprint :-).It's hard work, but it's worth it, keep at it you can do it!!!!
03/29/2013 9:34AM
You are sooo my hero! You're not the only one! I feel the exact same!
03/29/2013 9:38AM
Nope... Definitely not alone.
You just LITTERALY wrote every word inside my head and heart. No joke. I could go into some long explanation but as you know, it's not needed because those feelings you describe...said it all. My whole life wrapped up in your blog. The sadness that comes along with the weight is just as heavy. Know you are not alone and people who done even know you, shed those same tears with you today because you so bravely and eloquently describe "our" very exsistance. (((Hugs))) PS I'm going to go search out Optimal 365. Thank you.
03/29/2013 9:41AM
I understand
Being im 18 years old and gained 60 pounds in the last year and I half im more embarrassed of myself I wear hoodies to hide it. Like that is working. I avoid mirrors at all cost I am thankful thought my husband says im still beautiful. But him saying it and me feeling it are two different things! I am so happy you posted this being i listen every morning and think you are amazing! This is something that I have had to struggle with my entire life and this last 60 pounds has pushed me over the edge no confidence at all I hope to change but I get on and off that scale everyday almost in tears. I hope to change my life just getting on the right track is hard. Best of luck to you and ill be listening tomorrow morning! With love -Nicole.
03/29/2013 9:42AM
You can
Ellen, Losing weight is a struggle, I think we all understand this. I watched an incredible documentary called "Hungry For Change". Watch it, and tell me that it doesn't movitate you to change your life. Since Christmas I have lost close to 25 lbs. slimming myself from the 230lbs I was struggling with to a trim 205 and looking and feeling amazing. You can do it, never think you can't and NEVER call it a Diet, you will fail. Juice Clensing and real, being out and active is real. I struggled for over 4 years with 20-25 extra pounds and now I am feeling like the person I want to be. YOU CAN DO IT!
03/29/2013 9:47AM
You will help all odf us.
Ellen, I listened to you when you were in GR and knew you struggled then. I have had this issue for 20 years and no matter what I find excuses for MY weaknesses. I will follow you and pray we will both be successful in this weight loss - get healthy journey.
03/29/2013 9:48AM
Raining Hope!
What a great way to face this struggle. Eating Disorders come in many varities and this is very much a story of your battle with ED! We will keep you in our thoughts as you face the challenge! My daughter is 13 and facing ED as well as a restrictive anorexic. We are Raining Hope for you! She has formed a team for the NEDA Walk in Seattle June 1 and the team is Team Bella Raining Hope - maybe you would join this event?
03/29/2013 9:49AM
Take it one day at a time!
Ellen, Thanks for sharing this blog, I know it wasn't easy to share with the world your personal struggle. You'll get there, just take it one day at a time. Realize that you are you and the only opinion of yourself that you need to focus on is yourself. You'll reach your goal. Have faith that you will. Don't focus on how you used to look focus on how you want to transform into the new you, not the past you. Don't worry that others don't notice the weight that you lost, it's the fact that you do, is all that matters. Trust me, I'm overweight and when I lose 5 lbs I notice it but no one else does, and that used to bother but now I just focus on how good I feel when I notice my jeans or top don't fit the same since I lost a couple pounds. Focus on the positive & you'll get there. One day at a time.
03/29/2013 9:50AM
Tanya Grand Haven, MI
Hang in there Ellen! I am right with you most days. I too am a chubby girl I fight the same exact demons. I am glad to hear you have a great support system! You can do this!! YOU GO GIRL!!!!
03/29/2013 9:51AM
Thank you for sharing.
I feel like I was reading something I wrote myself. I can totally relate to what you wrote. Here I am a very successful 36 years old. I teach middle school, have two wonderful kids, and a husband who adores me. But I am so self contious of my weight that I feel like I don't deserve to have his or anybody's love. I push him away all time. I stand in front of my students and feel ashamed of the way I look. And it isn't that I don't know what to do, it is just hard and I get in my own way. Loosing weight is hard!!!
03/29/2013 9:52AM
Tell yourself 'I love you'
Ellen, I'm proud of you for taking that leap of faith & telling everyone about what you're struggling with, it's very hard! One thing my Dad tells me to try (because I struggle with serious self esteem issues) is every morning while you're getting ready for work, look at your reflection make eye contact with yourself & say, 'I love you' or 'I love me'. It takes 30 days to make or break a habit & if you do this for 30 days, it will help cement a healthy morning ritual. Before you know it, you will be telling yourself 'I love me' & suddenly you will realize that you believe it. I know how hard it is to believe in yourself, I've been there. You can do it!!!!
03/29/2013 9:54AM
you lady are amazing
I love listening to you every day and enjoy you bring so candid but the bravery you exhibit here makes me love you even more, i won't pretend to offer advice as i am in the same boat but i wish the very for you
03/29/2013 9:59AM
You are stunning, I tell you, STUNNING! Don't you ever go one day and not feel it. - xoxo Spicy
03/29/2013 10:14AM
Monica in SF
Yes, I thought I was going crazy when I read your article. Why? I thought I wrote it!!! I just turned 65 and I've been struggling my whole life! Yes, I've had years of being a size 6-8, but somehow myself ate myself and I've been struggling. By the by, we're both former Michiganders. What I have learned and I think makes the most sense is, it's not dieting, it's a life style change, breaking bad habits and additions! Yes, addictions. Our bodies crave and we have to be so strong, committed, focused and it all sucks! Yep, it does. Even if we lost the weight, which is huge, it's the keeping it off that requires the skills to stay the course. You are a beautiful, talented, respected and lovely woman who WILL succeed at this very challenging job just as you did in your life thus far.
03/29/2013 10:14AM
You got this girl. I am with you on putting up the emotional wall towards guys, and why do we do that? We ARE catches :) Love you and good luck. I've started my own weight loss adventure...yikes! By the way, I knew you "way back when",and you are beautiful ALWAYS! Don't ever forget it!
03/29/2013 10:15AM
You got this girl. I am with you on putting up the emotional wall towards guys, and why do we do that? We ARE catches :) Love you and good luck. I've started my own weight loss adventure...yikes! By the way, I knew you "way back when",and you are beautiful ALWAYS! Don't ever forget it!
03/29/2013 10:32AM
Bainbridge Island,WA
Ellen, I think you are brave and I have so much respect for you sharing your most personal thoughts. I think a lot of woman feel that they are in the same boat as you. Weight is just one of those things that are difficult to talk about. Like you i was once thin, I am super picky about who i date as the cute skinny girl inside still has the same taste in handsome men... it wasn’t until my mid-twenties i slowly packed on the pounds and after being overweight for last 8 years I am finally doing something about it and have joined Weight Watchers. I think what really motivated me is that for last few years I have dated one of my guy friends from High School. He always says to me he loves me for me, that my weight does not matter to him... But in my mind all he ever dated back then was the cute thin girls, not the awkward and porky like I am today… I want to be that girl again and feel confident about myself! Your mind can be your worst critic sometimes, being uncomfortable in your own skin is the worst feeling… but have faith and believe In yourself while working towards your goal. I just lost my first 5lbs after a week and half of dieting and it has made me feel even more motivated towards my goal of 70lbs… BEST WISHES!!!!
03/29/2013 10:54AM
You are a strong woman
Thank you for sharing a very personal life struggle with us. There are many women out there that have struggled with weight just like you. I am one of them. I also am not happy with my weight. I also know what needs to be done. Its not easy. It is a lifestyle change and most people are scared of lifestyle change. Like you I have tried many diet fads, pills and drinks. I was doing very well last year and then I injured my back, then got bronchitis and all of that lasted 4-5 months. So I am right back where I started. The problem with weight loss is we are programmed as women that you must be skinny to get any attention. I have learned to be the funny (chunky)girl so that people like to have me around. That way they don't care about my weight. I am back at it and I will see where it takes me. I know you can do it. Hang in there and I look forward to hearing about your SUCCESS!!!!!! Have a great day, weekend, Easter.
03/29/2013 11:30AM
You are not alone
I too have struggled with weight and I refuse to take diet aides. I have gained and lost and realized I needed to accept myself and who I am first.
03/29/2013 11:34AM
Stronger than you know
Your absolutely not alone! I know SOOO many woman, some big, some small, who have these exact issues with there weight. I myself have done the same thing my whole life. I finally decided the last few months that things needed to change for me. Not even losing weight but getting HEALTHY. You can do whatever you put your mind to, you just have to find the right motivation to do it.
03/29/2013 12:24PM
Optimal365 Successful - Your Transparency...Priceless!
Your transparency truly says the most about what is on the inside and your character - thank you for sharing your heart with all of us. With your drive and support you will be successful - no question. It is great you found OPTIMAL365 - they truly have an experience that is unheard of in the weight loss and health arena. As you said, none of the diets work - they are all hype. This program WILL help you be successful and they have hundreds of great success stories. So take it from someone who knows them - you are in the best hands possible and Anne is amazing. Keep up the effort and the attitude, you are an inspiration to all of us. Can't wait to hear more along your journey...THANK YOU!
03/29/2013 12:35PM
Thank you
I know it's scary to post what you did, but you are not alone! We all have demons and this is an all too popular one for americans. keep up the good work! you have support.
03/29/2013 1:47PM
You Can Do It!
We all struggle with something in our lives. I am a person that is never going to be statisfied with my body either..I work out like a demon and still do not feel good me. It is me, in my head and I know that, try to change it and struggle. I know how you feel about mess up one day and think, screwed that up so why keep on eating healthy. You can do this and you deserve to be happy! You are amazing, believe in yourself! Your mind will tell you no, but ignore it and keep going! I struggle but I too know that I am worth it and can do it! Good Luck! Love you listening to you guys in the make me smile!! :)
03/29/2013 1:50PM
Almost all of the words you wrote are the EXACT things I struggle with. I was hooked at the first few sentences where you said "today is the day" and you believed it for about 10 minutes. OMG this is me. I've done everything. Every diet. Every book. Every pill. Every theory. You post made me not only see myself, but you taught me some things that I never realized. AM I SCARED To LOSE THE WEIGHT? I pray that you will be successful and I pray that this will be a starting (again) point for me. Thank you for your encouragement, your humility, your transparency and your vulnerbility. I hope that it not only changes your life, but the lives of others!
03/29/2013 2:56PM
Hi, Ellen - you are not alone in how you think about yourself and the daily negative talk loop that goes on in your head. I am 61 and have been doing it most of my life. I am a licensed mental health counselor, so I am qualified to tell you this next thing, that you might not want to hear, but that could make a profound difference in how you think about yourself: every time you have those negative thoughts about yourself, you thicken the neural pathway in your brain that supports that thought, to the point where it becomes an automatic thought. This is all about neuroscience and neuroplasticity, - please Google either term if you would like to verify what I am talking about. So....what is the cure? Catch yourself when you are having a negative thought about yourself and replace it with a truthful, positive thought that you whole-heartedly believe in. This is called "thought stopping." We can "re-wire" our brains to support a more positive outlook, but it takes work. You didn't arrive at this place in your life overnight, and it isn't going to go away overnight. But if you are tired of feeling the way you do about yourself, and really want to change, look for positive things you can say about yourself and replace those negative thoughts! This same concept is used as a part of the treatment for soldiers with PTSD. My outlook about myself isn't perfect, but I'm certainly not as hard on myself as I used to be, and you can do it too. Best of luck in your journey and thank you for your courage to put your thoughts out there.
03/29/2013 7:11PM
You so beautifully expressed . . .
Exactly the way that so many of us feel every single day. Today I will eat better. Today I will move more. Today I will drink more water. Today I will choose the sugar free flavoring in my coffee. Today I will give up coffee altogether. Today I will eat carb free. Today I will juice. Well, guess what. It is today, almost at the end of today, and I have done none of those things. People at work think I am a strong and confident person, too. They don't see me when I get in or out of the shower, or choose clothes that try to hide my flaws. They don't see me looking at my profile and hating how I look, and then hating how I feel about how I look. You are an amazing woman to share this with your fans, and I am hopeful that you stay on this path with your guardian angel.
03/29/2013 9:37PM
Going through it too!
Ellen, You're doing great. I am battling the same thing and struggle with it daily. I am so glad to know I am not the only one. Yes there is a skinny me, I just haven't found her yet. I need the support and drive. I don't currently have. When I'm exhausted, I eat more. I am often exhausted. :( Good luck!
03/29/2013 10:12PM
please please, give me a message if you want to b healthier and happier.
03/29/2013 11:27PM
Mike Langhout
Ellen, thank you so much for being real. You are a beautiful person, and like many of us are struggling with your weight. But with Anne at Optimal 365 as your health specialist you are going to win this battle. I can tell you from personal experience she has really helped me, and I am losing a lot of weight on the Optimal 365 plan. What is really great about it is the 'retraining' process they embrace, and teach so well. For me, I had just lost my way, and needed to understand what kinds of foods are really good for me. When I started eating those foods, I had so many benefits beyond the weight loss, and great feeling that came from that experience. I also regained my sense of smell which went away about 15 years ago. My skin is a better texture, and some spots are disappearing. I could go on and on, but the Optimal 365 plan is awesome.
03/30/2013 7:31AM
GV love from MI
Ellen, I have gone through this for years. Finally I started small saying that I am going to control my portions. I've lost 35 lbs since September from just not getting that extra piece of pizza. Even at GV I have always thought that you were so confident and beautiful. I always have and continued to look up to you. You put yourself out there which is more than most of us can say. You are beautiful Ellen. Just look at losing the weight as to getting healthy - not becoming a better person or becoming prettier. You are already both :)
04/01/2013 7:47AM
Actions Speak Louder Than Words
It's very difficult to lose weight, I understand, but talking about it doesn't get you anywhere. I learned that instead of constantly complaining about it, you have to actually DO something. Join Weight Watchers...hire a personal trainer...have a "Biggest Loser" contest with a group of friends. Starving yourself and using diet pills is not the way to lose weight. That is temporary and you will gain it back really fast and be back at square one. It's a complete lifestyle change that you have to be willing to make...otherwise, there's no use. Just know weight loss is a long process and will take a lot of time so you MUST be patient and stay on track. DO IT THE HEALTHY WAY!
04/01/2013 8:11AM
Hi Ellen, I listened to you read your blog on the radio this morning while driving into work. You can be who you want to be! Take baby steps! I can recomend a hundred different ways for you to do this, but what it comes down to is what you want to do! You have lots of fans and I doubt they are looking at you and saying God what happened to her. That is coming from you! Only you can change! It is not all these crazy ass diets either, or self help books. You can read them, follow all the diets but they will not change you permantly.. Only you can! Just remember attitude is everything, you are a beautiful person in all aspects: mentally & physically.. We all beleive in you! Be positive and remember everytime you look in the mirror put that SMILE on! It is a one day journey that will become a lifetime journey if you make the steps eachday to make syourself better. And I say better based upon your own self..
04/01/2013 8:30AM
same boat
Ellen, I am in the same boat as you. I read your blog and I feel the same way. I lost 80 lbs 4 years ago and cant seem to find the motivation to get back on the exercise wagon. I went and joined the ymca the beginning of last month and have gone twice. I have the motivation from a man who had been flirting with me, I was at his house and he says "you know about 5 years ago I had an issue with overweight people" hello, do you see me sitting here!! so I joined the ymca the next day and now I am too embarrassed to go. I have to get over it, there is a fitter girl screaming on my inside to get out. My son who is 5 foot 4 was up to 280 last year and got bored after graduation so he started working out on the wii fit then he moved onto an aerobic step. He has now lost 115 lbs and looks amazing. I know I can do this. I know you can too, we are all in this together.
04/01/2013 8:49AM
Ellen, I thought I wrote this:-) While I'm a bit older (actually allot older) and let me tell you it doesn't get any easier and infact the older you get the harder it is. I have tried every diet and every pill there is on the market. Last week I talked to a hynosis and I think this is what I need. It deals wit the sub conscience, that thing that tells me the sugar is yummy, well I need help to cut that off so tonight is first session of 6. Not going to Positive changes because I don't want the cattle hurding affect but more the 1x1 so I have a name of a very nice lady if you decide to try it. AND it's much cheaper than Positive changes. When you get to the point I am where I HATE myself I felt like I had to do something more serious. Good luck gal!!! you will get there, you just have to fine what works for you!!
04/01/2013 10:29AM
Hi Ellen, don't give up! keep your eye on the prize and keep pushing forward. Even if you have an "off day," KEEP GOING!! You are stronger than you think you are and once you truly believe that, you can accomplish anything you set yourmind to. Surround yourself with positive people who can encourage you when you need encouraging, hug you when you need a hug, push you when you need to be pushed, and believe in you if you start doubting yourself. I am rooting for you - keep it up!
04/01/2013 10:29AM
Hi Ellen, don't give up! keep your eye on the prize and keep pushing forward. Even if you have an "off day," KEEP GOING!! You are stronger than you think you are and once you truly believe that, you can accomplish anything you set yourmind to. Surround yourself with positive people who can encourage you when you need encouraging, hug you when you need a hug, push you when you need to be pushed, and believe in you if you start doubting yourself. I am rooting for you - keep it up!
04/01/2013 10:29AM
Hi Ellen, don't give up! keep your eye on the prize and keep pushing forward. Even if you have an "off day," KEEP GOING!! You are stronger than you think you are and once you truly believe that, you can accomplish anything you set yourmind to. Surround yourself with positive people who can encourage you when you need encouraging, hug you when you need a hug, push you when you need to be pushed, and believe in you if you start doubting yourself. I am rooting for you - keep it up!
04/01/2013 3:40PM
Listen up – this is your guardian angel speaking ...
Ellen, I am so proud of you! You CAN and WILL accomplish your Optimal dream! Put on your seat belt little lady, you ARE going to lose the weight! YOU ARE WORTH IT. You are absolutely a delight - I assure you that being your “guardian angel” and walking along side you on this journey is a privilege. That's just how we roll at Optimal365! Now, watch out, your guardian angel is Sicilian and a lot more like a big sis! OF course you will succeed – you have a Sicilian watching your Greek back! Nothing can stop us! Stay tune people - Ellen YOU are going to inspire a TON OF FOLKS!
04/01/2013 6:33PM
You are Beautiful!
Ellen, You just wrote everything that is in my head on a daily basis, word for word. You are not alone in this! I know through your journey, you will be an inspiration to all of us and maybe give someone else the courage to make a change for the better! Good luck to you :) You are worth it!
04/01/2013 6:38PM
Believe in yourself!
Ellen! You are so beautiful and capable - I know you can do this - even if it takes years, even if you have to "keep" doing it the rest of your life. You are SO worth it! No one cares how long it takes or how often you fall, we just care thatyou never, never give up! Keep it up, sister! You are AMAZING! (From Jennifer Gray, your old Hunger Walk friend in Grand Rapids).
04/01/2013 7:31PM
Been there done that
I was where you are not that long ago, If I can do it so can you. Life is a struggle every day and it took me a long time to figure it out, I wish I would have taken action a long time ago, don't look back look forward. YOU CAN AND YOU WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN. Here for you my friend. Kris :)
04/01/2013 8:12PM
Ellen- I don't think you need to lose weight. I don't say that because I am trying to make you feel better or say something to be nice. Weight is something our society defines. Weight is a concept that can only become a fear if you allow it to. I am a plus size woman myself, and single and over the years I have grown to love myself no matter what my size. There are plenty of men out there that appreciate a curvy woman. You are beautiful but you are not allowing yourself to be happy. Believe me, I have been there, in fact maybe I am there! You must embrace every inch of your body. Once you start loving yourself (as you are) others will follow suite. You can't let our ass-backwards society dictate to you that you are lesser of a person because you have extra weight. Your body is not an apology, it isn't to be criticized or revolted against. Your body is your powerful, beautiful tool to carry you through out your wonderful life! Live it! And make no apologies to anyone. You are enough as you are, not skinnier or larger, just as you ARE. - Meghan
04/01/2013 8:20PM
You CAN do it!
Ellen, your story is like so many of us! You are not alone! I am a 56 year old and 2 years ago I decided to join a boot camp class. I had no clue what I was in for. It wasn't easy, but two years later and 40 pounds lighter, I am still going strong. I love to exercise, but have also changed my eating habits. If you are not exercising, I would just start by walking. Just move. But I found out too, that consistency is KEY! Don't give up, but just be consistent! You will see results, trust me! Good luck! You are beautiful!
04/01/2013 9:09PM
People will tell you to DIET and they are WRONG - DIETS DON'T WORK! If they did, we wouldn't have invented the phrase "Yo-Yo Diet" now would we - and to top it off the research says diets have only a 5% success rate - you get better odds in Vegas! Sounds like you are on a "life-changing" program to improve your health and nutrition - that is the way to do it that will last. Exercise won't do it either - nutrition is the only way to make it work. Stick with your "guardian angel" and let them do the magic - seems like the right approach to me and will give you the success you are looking for now and in the future. You didn't get where you are today without working hard so we are ALL behind you on this - just keep us posted as often as you feel like it - we want to be part of your story!!!
04/01/2013 11:47PM
Ellen, when I heard you read from your blig this morning it brought years toy eyes because I too feel the same way that you do! I tried weight way hers about 10 yrs ago and lost 45lbs but since have gained it all back. I struggle daily with what people see or think of me and to tell you the truth I feel miserable. I know that only I can't make the change! I started weight watchers again but have fallen off the wagon again and I know I need to get back on, but sometimes it's hard to jump back on. Thank you for writing such an amazing blog. Really gives you perspective that you aren't the only person who feels the way that you do!! Good luck 😃
04/02/2013 8:21AM
Thanks Ellen for sharing! I have started my journey to better health about 5 months ago, and there was something that has led me to success, where in the past I had failed on my goals of losing weight and better health. I was reading a book before I got started and it never hit me, but the author stated the best exercize and nutrition will are great tools, but the most important thing to start with is our thoughts and emotions about our body. I can tell this was so hard to do, positive thoughts about my body when I first started. But it has made all the difference in the world. So no matter where you are at... it starts with loving your body and ourselves. Healthy and positive thoughts inspire healthy actions. Great to have support on your journey to better health!
04/02/2013 1:33PM
I'm right there with you
I know you've heard this already but....I'm right there with you!!! I grew up thin, active, confident. I didn't obsess about my body or my weight...I struggled to gain at times if you can imagine...and now I'm on the other side of the coin. Was there one specific moment in time I can put my finger on when it all changed? No. It was a series of events and now I'm right where you are. You sound like my inner dialogue and I give you major props for being so honest so publicly (Not sure I have the balls to do that). Due to my struggle with my weight, I decided to get lapband surgery 6 months ago. I knew then and I'm really realizing's not about a quick fix, but a lifetime of good choices that will correct the damage I did with a lifetime of bad choices. Before I go any further, I want you to understand the second I told people I was having surgery, eating healthier-whatever-they all started giving unsolicited advice. For the most part I was appreciative, but there is a time when enough's enough, so if that's you don't read further! If your'e up for some words of wisdom read on. :) I go to a support group once a month that has really helped me, and some of the things that stuck with me are simple sayings like: "It all turns into poop or garbage so put it where it will serve you the best" and "guilt has too many calories" and "you can either have the [cake] now or be healthy later, but you can't have both." and the list goes on! One other thing I did that helped me was to get a charm bracelet. For every 10 lbs I loose I get to purchase a new charm to add to my bracelet-I'm 2lbs away from my 4th charm :) Overall-just remember to not beat yourself up over slip ups. Keep trying, every day and it will pay off. I didn't realize I had a food addiction until I started going to group-denial I guess- but I have a high stress job and I turned to food to deal with my anxiety. Now I found a different obsession-exercise. I'm a control freak myself and I really beat myself up over why I couldn't get my weight under control when I was managing to get everything else in my life to work out the way I wanted....I just didn't get it. Now I don't worry about the "how did I get here" and instead focus on "how do I get out of here". Good luck, keep it up, and remember you are worth it! And by the way, you are a beautiful and charismatic woman no matter your weight. Do it for the health benefits.
04/03/2013 12:32PM
Changing your brain is the hardest part
Hi, a friend from the Seattle area forwarded me your blog, and thought I might be able to help. I recently lost 160 pounds (nearly half my body weight), and the reason I did it might surprise you. I had just been told that I was likely going to have a stroke and die (I was 328 pounds at the time), and the fear of that jumpstarted me into about 2 days of light walking and "watching what I was eating" (meaning, not the entire bag of Oreos, only 1 column per day, etc.). I lost about 5 pounds in a couple of days, but quickly forgot the feeling that I had in my heart and stomach when the doctor told me that I may die from obesity. So, it was right back with the crap eating, "Bring on the breadsticks, baby!" Then, about 4 days later, I was standing outside of a Seahawks game (I live in AZ, but my dad is a huge Hawks fan, so I took him to a NFL game for his 70th birthday). So, we're standing out in line and everyone is just mingling and eating and waiting to get in to the game. Then I hear someone yell, "Help! Somebody please! He's dying! Oh my God!" I looked over to see an overweight man leaning over and getting blue in the face. He had a half of a hot dog in one hand, and a can of coke in the other hand. It was one of those moments when everybody freezes. There were literally about 50 people near this man, but nobody did anything to help. And I have no idea what in the hell I was doing, but somehow I ran to this man (such as I could at 328 pounds). His eyes were watering all over the place, and he was seriously blue. I mean BLUE. So, I somehow managed to wrap my arms around him and give him the Heimlich Maneuver. A half of a hot dog plopped out onto the ground, and I ended up saving his life that day. The entire game was a complete blur - I just kept reliving that moment over and over in my head. When I got back to the hotel, I told my husband what had happened, and I just sat on the bed and bawled. I had this incredible epiphany at that moment: How ridiculous is it that I am told that I am most certainly going to die, and I do nothing? But when a complete stranger needs my help, I'm Johnny on the Spot over there giving this man the Heimlich like I've been doing it for years? I felt so stupid. And I truly feel like this was my "sign" that I needed to change. That night in that hotel room, I made a verbal promise to myself that I was going to listen to what the universe and God was trying to tell me. I'm important. I am necessary. If I hadn't been there, that man might have died. I saved somebody's life, and that's a big deal. Saving that man's life saved my own life. I have a website called Yell At Your Fat where you can go and see some before and after pictures. There's even one in there of my dad and I in our Seahawks jerseys before we left for that fateful game. Anyway, Ellen, you are important. You are worth something. You are necessary. If something happened to you, you wouldn't even be able to count the number of people that would be affected. If you need tips or advice or support, email me from my website, and I will be your friend. The first step is recognizing that you have a problem, and you've done that. So, that's an amazing thing that you should be so proud of. You will be in my thoughts! Take care, Wendy Beckers, Yuma, AZ
04/05/2013 8:51AM
In my head
My day, every day. Thank you for writing this!
04/05/2013 9:01AM
"believe in yourself"
Ellen, I know exactly how you feel. I used to be heavier (I've lost 80lbs) but I wasted years by being afraid to live life. I let my embarrassment trap me, my comfort place home because no one can see me there. It even affected my intimate life as my confidence was gone. I decided enough was enough when I could no longer even enjoy a trip to the park with my kid's. I'd been missing out on their lives and they deserved a mommy who could interact and play with them rather then saying"you play, I'll watch" so I put a plan together of two things. right 2.exercise... easy enough right? Wrong! It is so much harder then it sounds or should be, I failed the first few times but eith every time I tried I made it a little further and gained a little more knowledge and determination. I didn't give up though I kept getting back up and going for it again. After about 3months of trying I finally had a pattern and things were getting easier for me (although not easy) I had to rely on my self control a lot which was something I wasn't used to or good at. I was never a heavy child or adult until after having my 4th child, it felt like everything hit me at once. Well I lost the 80lbs and have managed to keep it off, it's been 3yrs now:) (I also somehow managed to quit smoking in the progress) the problem I have now and I don't totally understand it, is that I am more critical of myself now. My own critic picks me apart daily! I've literally stood in front of the mirror criticising myself because I feel more disgusted by myself now then I did 80lbs heavier... any idea why? Or how I can change this feeling? Brenda
04/05/2013 9:14AM
walking in my stationary shoes
Thank you for sharing. I use to be 110 for most of my life, 4 pregnancies were the only times I went above it. I had all the motivation in the world, walked alot, made cleaning the house an exercise regime. But I was a smoker and 8 tears ago today, I quit. I started gaining weight very slowly. 24 months after I quit smoking I was at 138, and loved it, I had a body! Then it kept coming on, but i didnt pay attention to it. I was never one to weight myself alot, cuz I hated being so skinny, I was proud of my new weight. Now I am at 160, and I have a belly. My husband, who also gained, had informed me a few times if I gain anymore, I am out. Yeah, how do you deal with that. He's shallow and admits it. So my problem is, I dont know how to diet,I have never had to diet, I have had to eat more to gain weight, so to train my brain that you don't need that...ughh...I have no will power nor motivation. I joined the YMCA, but haven't gone but a few times. I tell myself by summer time I will have my flat tummy back, I have alot of books and dvd's, but get lazy and sit on my couch and watch tv and scroll on facebook. I WANT to go to the gym, I WANT to walk, I WANT to lose the 20 or so pounds that I don't need. I WANT to eat right. Its just easier to sit and watch TV and scroll facebook.
04/06/2013 4:02PM
Thank you!!
I appreciate this brave baring of your inner struggle. I have often wondered what keeps me from loosing weight. I don't go crazy and over eat, but I don't eat healthy and I am addicted to soda. What's worse is I have medical issues that require me to eat healthy and cut out sugar. I should be scared for my life, so why doesn't that scare me into changing? It is nice to know that I am not alone!! I watch my sister loose all her baby fat after 3 kids and is skinnier than any other time in her life, in a size 6, and I want to scream. And she is always trying to motivate me. She just can't see why I don't try harder. And I can't even understand it myself, so how can I explain it to someone else. Being fat gives me an excuse for feeling sorry for myself, for being single and alone. Haven't been on a date in over 5 years. I am scared that if I lose the weight and people don't like me, then what excuse do I have?
04/06/2013 4:24PM
me in a nutshell....
If your personal thoughts don't scream What I have been trying to figure out, I don't know what does. I myself started a measured journey to lose weight and thought for sure this time I would be able to stick with it, as most times I give up within a short amount of time. I'm still sticking with it, but have let my life get in the way of being truly Happy. If It's not one excuse It's another. I didn't realize that what's really preventing me from being Happy is that I'm more scared of the positive when It's become so easy to be what I am. Becoming comfortable and so set in my ways is a lot harder and scarier to change and frustrating when close friends are achieving what I have wanted for so long. I want to commend you for being so brave to put this out there and Thank you for helping me realize What I am truly afraid of. You rock!
04/08/2014 6:20PM
Amen took the words right out of my head. I struggle and beat myself everyday. Yes, I also know what I'm suppose to do. I can write a diet book. I can twll you how to exercise and how oftern...but I just can't do it myself. If anyonecan crack that nut they'd be filthy rich.
04/08/2014 7:06PM
Amen took the words right out of my head. I struggle and beat myself everyday. Yes, I also know what I'm suppose to do. I can write a diet book. I can twll you how to exercise and how oftern...but I just can't do it myself. If anyonecan crack that nut they'd be filthy rich.
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