A 22-year-old guy we'll call Chuck called the police on Friday night because he was, quote, "too high" on marijuana. When the cops got there, they heard Chuck groaning . . . and when they went inside, they found him lying on the floor in the FETAL POSITION surrounded by…what else…Doritos, goldfish crackers, and Chips Ahoy. The guy is going to be charged with possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia.
1-Chuck, first of all, there are some people that should never ever smoke weed…you are one of them and that is obvious because you didn't have any Twinkies!
2-Chuck, what you had is a THC induced panic attack or as Randy calls it…Friday.
3-Chuckster, consider a low grade Indica, maybe a Bubba Kush or a Phat Panda, but stay away from the Purple Trainwreck…well at least that's what I've heard.
An Argentine man we’ll call Jimmy got quite a shock recently after he bought a pair of female poodles. He got the two big fuzzy white poodles and then took them to the vet for shots and an exam and that is when he got the bad news. He hadn’t just bought two male poodles…he had bought two FEMALE ferrets on steroids. No kidding, the vet informed him that his ferrets had probably been given steroids from birth to increase their size and then had some extra grooming to make them all fluffy!” And apparently this recently also happened with a Chihuahua.
1-Jimmy, it’s bad enough you thought the ferrets were poodles, but you thought the shes were hes? Did you not notice they were missing something when they rolled over?
2-Jimmy, the first thing you need to do…like ASAP is go see an optometrist. I’m no Vet, but fairly sure Poodles don’t have beedy eyes and teeth like razors and they DON’T poop pellets.
3-Jimmy, let me end with my favorite ferret joke. What do you call a ferret with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want… he can't hear you!
Today’s Crown of Clowns goes out to one of Washington’s wealthiest school districts. It is the Mercer Island School District, and they get this prestigious award because they briefly outlawed the GAME OF TAG for all of their students. One of the officials said, “Students are expected to keep their hands to themselves…to ensure the physical and emotional safety of all students.” Let me repeat that, “Students are expected to keep their hands to themselves…to ensure the physical and emotional safety of all students.”
1-Mercer Island School District: Need a reason to let kids play tag…how about the fact that one in three kids are obese. If you want to help them…remove cellphones from recess…not tag.
2-I looked it up and the average home on Mercer Island is…ready for it…just over 1 million dollars. So today’s school lunch at Mercer Elementary is probably organic asparagus, grilled chicken, and Salad with Gorgonzola. So the kids may not have the energy to run.
3-Lastly, Mercer Island: You know what is emotionally and physically damaging? Clogged arteries, a double chin, and cubby little thighs. Let the dang kids run
Today’s Crown of Clown goes to Bob Brady who is a Congressional Democrat from Pennsylvania. And Bob stole from the Pope. Well sort of, after POPE FRANCIS spoke to Congress Bob noticed the Pope had left his WATER GLASS up on the podium. So Brady snuck up there . . . STOLE it . . . then took it to his office to take a sip. His wife took one too, and so did two of his staff members. Then he invited a few other members of Congress to dip their FINGERS into it. Then he put the rest of it in a bottle, and says he's planning to use it to bless his grandchildren.
Bobby, you and your wife need to be careful…you could catch the human POPE-a-lova virus.
Bob…I think the miracle in this story is some members of congress put their finger in the water and DIDN’T burst into flames.
Speaking of which, Bob I was going to say you will probably go to hell because you stole from the Pope, but actually…you will just go to hell because you’re a congressman.
The Jewish Day of atonement is called Yom Kippur which took place yesterday, and while the heart of WGN TV was in the right place…the Chicago station totally screwed up their attempt to honor their Jewish audience. And they did this by flashing a flag and symbol on the screen while talking about Yom Kippur. The problem…they used a symbol for Nazi Germany.
I have some Points:
I don’t know who your producer is, but may I suggest your next one be a Roseberg, Holberg, or Stein.
WGN, next time you need a graphic, don’t google “white supremacy”
Actually, my producer is Jewish and he can’t even spell Yom Kippur.
Christopher Johnson got arrested late one evening at a public park because he was…well…he was getting-it-on with a PLAYGROUND SLIDE. Four people saw him doing what has been called the slide grind and immediately called the cops who arrested him. And this isn’t Chris’ first slide grind…oh no…he is a repeat offender so the judge gave him brief jail time and a large fine.
1-Chris…I hate to say it but I think your life is on a downhill slide. HEEEEEY HOOO
2-Chris…you might…might need some counseling. I don’t know what happened to you as a child on a slide, but that is a story I want to hear. I had an interesting experience while climbing a rope in the 7th grade.
3-Chris…why the attraction to the slide? That’s just sick…everyone knows the monkey bars is where it’s at! All those curves and metal…sexy!
Today’s Crown of Clown comes to us from P1 Erika…Today’s clown is one Angela Kipp and here is why.
Angela was backing her car out of the driveway when she noticed a spider on her shoulder and so…so she jumped out of the car WHILE IT WAS STILL MOVING. And that isn’t even the crazy part of this story…the crazy part is that she jumped out of the car WHILE HER 9 year-old SON WAS STILL IN THE BACKSEAT! The little fella quickly jumped into the front seat to try and stop the car but instead of hitting the brake…he hit the gas pedal and drove straight into a SCHOOL BUS. Thankfully her son and all the kids on the bus are fine…there were no injuries.
Angie, I don’t want to be judgmental, but you either need to get THERAPY or teach your 9 year-old son how to drive.
Angela, Speaking of therapy, you may want to get your son started now! I’m no Dr. Phil, but I’m guessing growing up knowing your mom left you in a MOVING car could be damaging!
Lastly, I do have to admit I am somewhat sympathetic seeing as though I have 5 kids. Hell, I can’t even remember all their names.
Eddie Johnson robbed a woman at knifepoint in New Jersey, and then he did something unexpected…he made her drive to a supermarket and buy him $70 worth of RED BULL. Police had been looking for him ever since, and finally tracked him down last week . . . after he mugged someone else, and tried to make THEM buy Red Bull too. This time, he forced a guy to withdraw $60 from two ATMs, then told him to drive to a store, and tried to buy more cans of Red Bull with his credit card. He has been arrested for kidnapping, robbery, and assault!
Ed, Brother, you drank $70 worth of Red Bull! That’s like one million grams of caffeine. I drank 3 one time and could SEE sound.
Eddie, could you send some of that Red Bull to Tony, he’s been asleep since 8:00
Eddie, how…how could you have someone buy you and $70 worth of Red Bull and not…not make them throw in a SLIM JIM??? They go together.
Today’s Crown of Clowns goes to a Judge in Louisiana, but starts with a man named Cornell.
Cornell Hood loves him some wacky weed, and that is a problem because he lives in Louisiana where it is very illegal. And recently Cornell stood before Judge Raymond Childress for his third conviction for possession. And listen to his sentence! Judge Ray said since this was Cornell’s third offense for possession and distribution of marijuana he sentenced him to LIFE IN PRISON. Judge Ray said Cornell is a repeat offender and needs to be off the street.
1-Judge, why are you so upset about this…seriously…can’t we all just get A BONG…I mean along?
2-Your Honor, you are a judge in Louisiana…and just gave a dude life in prison for weed…have you ever been to Mardi Gras? Have you even seen a picture of Mardi Gras? The Wacky Weed is the least of your problems.
3-Your honor, if smoking weed was dangerous, our producer Randy would be dead. Sure he is still single, drives a car with duct tape on it, AND lives in my basement…but not dangerous.
Today’s Crown of Clowns goes to Charles and his son Justin. The two of them busted into a bingo game held at the Blessed John Church to rob them. The two seriously pulled out guns and robbed a church bingo game. Well they tried to rob them of $15,000 but the church folks jumped up, grabbed their guns, and the rest tackled them. They held them until cops arrived. Charles was charged with armed robbery, his son Justin was charged with criminal liability. The gun turned out to be fake.
Charlie & Justin, You should both know that there are two things you don’t mess with at the Catholic Church: The Holy Water & the Bingo games. They are one in the same! Don’t touch Jesus’ bingo money.
But my favorite parts of this story are: you didn’t even have a real gun and…and you seriously got your butts kicked by church ladies. Why? Because you’re from SAAAAATAN
Speaking of which, Charles, not only did you try to rob a church, you took your son with you. Were you named after Charles Manson? Who does that? Here’s your sign…see you in hell.