I have confession to make, and before I do I don't want you to literally read too much into it. My confession is that I am having a midlife crisis. Now that doesn't mean I'm shopping for a new sport's car, and it definitely doesn't mean I'm looking for another woman. I have a very crappy car, but I have a hottie at home that makes me very happy. However, this isn't a joke and in fact it is painful for me to discuss it. I told my wife Amy last night that this is a first for me. Meaning, I'm usually an "open book" with my thoughts and feelings, but this has been such a difficult time in my life that I haven't been able to share it.
It likely started surfacing a couple of years ago when I turned 40ish, but I began stuffing the emotional baggage away by trying to achieve greatness in many different areas. Side note, when deflated I tend to look for ways to inflate...and I have used dieting, excercise, ministry, radio, and many other things to do so. However, over the last few months that strategy quit working and then it hit me like a ton of aging bricks. It being the anxiety attacks that launched with full force when the dermatologist removed what he thought could be precancerous spot off my lip. And on the very same day they told us that Amy would have two spots removed off of her back, and they believed that they were cancer (she had Melanoma 2 years ago). At that moment it was like a bomb went off in my life. I know how crazy this sounds coming from a guy who is a licensed counselor and pastor, but I'm simply being honest. At that moment I honestly thought I was going to colapse, which freaked the dermatologist and my wife out! I began sweating profusely, felt light headed, and then felt like I would puke! Yes it was a full-blown panic attack that was based not just on what was happening at that moment, but over my entire life.
Yes, I am very thankful that the doctors said we are now fine, but I couldn't get past hearing and seeing that emotional bomb explode in my face. The bomb that represents that life is short, and can become even shorter in the blink of an eye. It was a reminder that life is fragile, and going faster than I would like for it to go. When I fully realized that I hit the midlife mile marker it simply made me slam on the brakes and look backwards and forward. And when someone looks backwards it often leads to depression, and when they look to the future it often leads to anxiety. For me it has lead to a combination of the two despite the many blessings in my life.
Fortunately I found a great counselor who is helping me work through what seems to be the perfect shit storm of anxiety. The storm being a combination of Amy having yet another skin cancer scare, my midlife crisis, and PTSD. And all of this is just the tip of the emotional iceberg...the tip that sticks out of the water. Meaning there are a lot of issues that I have stuffed away for 46 years that I need to deal with to get emotionally healthy.
There is so much more that I can say about this interesting phase of life, and I may do so in the future. The point of the blog is simply for those who may be feeling the same way and think they are alone, or for those who want to lend some advice by posting in the comments below. If nothing else we can all pray for each other that we make this a time of growth, and not allow it to keep us from living the abundant life God intended for us to live. Please feel free to click one of the share buttons above to post this on one of your social media sites...the more advice the better!