I'm insecure. I'm self conscious. And because of this, I only allow a few people into my inner circle. One of those people has become my personal trainer Karen. With her guidance I'm working towards overcoming both my physical and emotional insecurities.
The reason why hiring a personal trainer was the right decision for me is because I can't work out in a group setting. It's too much for me. At least it is right now. I don't like feeling uncomfortable. Hell, who does? But working out in a class or a gym terrifies me. Perhaps it's even a little bit of ego getting in my own way. What makes me think that everyone in the gym is going to look at me? They're not. They're focused on themselves. But you won't be able to convince me of that when I feel like an elephant in a room filled with cheetahs.
This week I took one step towards overcoming an emotional obstacle on my weight loss journey. Like I mentioned, I allow only a few select people into my inner circle. Meet Alexis. My fellow displaced Michigander. My bestie. Dare I say it? My workout partner?!
Alexis is an athlete. She played sports in high school and maintains a healthy active lifestyle now by running more than any normal person would ever imagine doing. I cheered her on at the finish line of the Seattle Half Marathon last winter and was envious of her runner's high. No. I was jealous. Jealous that she made it look so easy. Jealous that she could finish such an amazing race. One that I couldn't even dream of doing. She inspires me.
Throughout our friendship, we've gone on a few physical adventures including hikes around Western Washington. I huff and I puff and she never judges. Over time I've become comfortable around her. Comfortable enough to let her see me uncomfortable.
I invited Alexis to workout with me on my terms. Or should I say Karen's terms. Early Sunday morning we headed into the gym to meet Karen and she put us to work. I couldn't believe what happened during our session. Sure, there were some things Alexis was better at than me. But holy crap, there were some things I was better at! While Alexis can easily kick my ass in cardio, I've got her beat when it comes to weights.
While I'm not going to be the best at everything, I've discovered a bit of confidence both in working out and allowing people in. A guy friend suggested a group of us get together for a hike this weekend. A month ago, I would have come up with an excuse. Today, I quickly said, "I'm in!" As my measurements shrink, my confidence grows. I like that. I like that a lot.
Many of you have asked and yes, my personal trainer, Karen, is taking on clients. Email me and and I'll pass along her contact info. (ETailor@entercom.com) I couldn't do this without her!
I'm two weeks into my training with Karen. The scale hasn't moved nearly as quickly as I'd hoped but I've never been more motivated because something better has happened. I'm noticing my body changing.
Fourteen days ago, I walked into the gym insecure, nervous, and not really sure if I was ready to let go of my security blanket of extra weight. Today, I can honestly picture what I'm going to look like when I achieve my goals. Losing weight changes your life and it's something you've got to get in the right head space for. Mentally I think I'm finally there. Physically, I know I'm there.
On Day #1, I was struggling just to get through 20 step-ups. (Imagine stepping up onto a bench then coming back down again. Sounds simple, right?) Today I can power through more than I can count while holding 20-pound dumbbells. On Day #1, I was able to dead lift 55lbs. Today I was able to add 10 more pounds.
Hands down, my favorite things to do are squats and push presses. It works out my legs and ass not to mention I'm really good at it! So good at it, in fact, that I've been able to add THIRTY POUNDS onto each exercise in just two weeks. On Day #1, I was squatting and pressing 35lbs. Today, I cleared 65lbs!
I want to work harder because if I'm already seeing results, imagine what would happen if I gave 150% percent?! With that in mind, Karen had me run. Ugh. I hate running. But if it'll get me to where I want to be, I'll do it. Before I could barely keep up at a 4.7mph pace. Today I was able to run at 7mph.
These numbers to an athlete probably don't sound that fantastic. To me, the girl who spent a majority of her 20′s saying, "I'll start tomorrow," this is a game changer. I'm achieving many non-scale victories that are boosting my confidence. I can't wait to embrace my 30′s as the woman I've spent the last 10 years dreaming about. I'll get there! I know it!
My confidence is growing! Read Weight Loss Wednesday #4 by clicking HERE.
Meet Karen. A woman who walked the same path many women are struggling to simply get on. The path of health, fitness, and happiness. This was Karen at 260 pounds. She made the choice to change. She trained herself down to a healthy weight, losing over 100 pounds, and is now a Cross Fit coach and personal trainer. There's no one better to coach me than a woman who's been there and done that. If she can do it, I can do it.
Look at her! To say she's amazing is a true understatement! After hearing my story on the radio, a Fitz in the Morning listener suggested I meet with Karen and so I did. She opened her mouth and the cutest British accent came out. But more than that, she gets it. She knows where I am because she's been there.
Together we made both scale and non-scale goals. She took into consideration the fact that I don't like running. I'm self conscious of my boobs bouncing around! (We'd have to run a mile every Tuesday in high school and I remember the boys would finish then wait just to watch me. Little pervs.) Considering my hang ups, we're focusing on a weight focused cardio workout. I don't want to be thin. I want to be fit. I'm talking big booty hoe! I'm talking curves! I'm talking hour glass figure! I've got the shape, (somewhere) so move over Kim Kardashian, I'm coming for you!
As I chomped down on my salmon salad while having dinner with a friend last week, I explained to him that I'm not where I want to be but dammit, I'm going to accept what I do have and love what I've got. All of it. For the first time in my life, I believed it. And it scared the shit out of me.
I left dinner that night feeling great but the next morning I woke up and thought, "Why are you confident? You don't deserve it. At least not yet." Cue the downfall. I went off the grid. I didn't fall off the wagon but I fell back into bad habits. I didn't eat. I didn't do the homework Karen had assigned. (aka I didn't go to the gym on my own.) Sure, I didn't binge but not eating was just as bad.
I had a training session scheduled with Karen the next morning which happened to be the 4th of July. (Remember that Karen's British and doesn't care about an American holiday hence the 7am workout.) I had mentally pushed aside what happened the day before but the second I saw Karen, I started to cry. All of the sudden I'm one on of those pussies I see on The Biggest Loser or Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition. There's more to this weight than the physical and Karen is quickly becoming more than my trainer. She's becoming a mentor, therapist, and friend.
Yuck. I hate being mushy gushy. I hate crying. I hate showing feelings other than a happy-go-lucky girl. But apparently I've got to get in touch. Do I use my extra weight to build a physical wall to keep people out? I don't like letting people in. Hence why I shut Karen out. Even if it was just for a day, that was one day too long.
I cried through that workout not because it was hard but because I finally realized I am going to do this and that scared me. I've got my head wrapped around eating right. I've got the right trainer. My body is responding great to the workouts. All of this stuff is everything I wanted! Everything I tried so hard for years to achieve. And now that it's here, I want to crawl into bed and hide. What?! That makes no sense!
I've been this way for so long and I've only dreamed of being in shape. Being in shape is months away. Granted months of hard work. But I've dreamed of this for close to 10 years, if not my whole life. To realize life as I know it is going to change is terrifying. Even if it is a change for the better.
We're focusing on a strength training cardio regimen. I've realized I'm really good at squats. I love the way my butt looks after doing them and more importantly, I'm good at it so it helps boost my confidence! I suck at running so we don't do it. Karen is showing me ways to get my heart rate up by doing things I actually like. Wait, there are things I actually like in the gym?! Never thought I'd say that.
The day of my crying workout, I found peace while doing squats and asked Karen to snap a few photos. I posted this on my social media sites not because I'm proud of where I'm at. Not because I want attention. But because I need to accept what I am now. I need to love me now. I'm not saying be complacent but I've got to love myself. And let's be real, this will be a great "before" photo. I don't want my ass to get smaller but I want it tighter. And I want that weight on the bar to increase, a lot! I want to be a beast!
It's not about the number on the scale anymore. Although yes, it does need to, and will, come down. But I want to look like I'm healthy. No. I want to be healthy! And fit! And thick! (With a tiny waist, of course. HaHa!) And with Karen's guidance, I know I can do this.
The change is already happening! To read Weight Loss Wednesday #3, click HERE.
People always ask, "How do you guys find stuff to talk about on the show?" and our response is, "We just talk about our crazy lives!" For example, I was having a conversation off the air with Fitz, Tony and Randy that went something like this:
I'm turning 30 and planning a destination party in Vegas. I know not all of my friends and family will be able to come. Would it be weird if I set up a GoFundMe account for people to donate to the party? If they can't come, I think it'd be great if they threw in a buck or two to help make that weekend great.
We brought that conversation to our loyal P1's during the show this morning and a few listeners even said, "It's no different than when couples ask for help funding their honeymoons." While others told me it was totally tacky!
Then I wondered just how easy is it to set up such an account and wow! It was maybe a little TOO easy because within less than 60 seconds I had created a GoFundMe page. I posed the question on Facebook and the responses started rolling in.
While I thought I had made my intentions clear, unfortunately, I hadn't. Most of the comments were negative. You all wondered why on earth I would beg for money for something so frivolous. You doubted why we would even bring it up when there are many more deserving causes. You all had great points.
Let me make it clear that I was, in no way, soliciting for money. I am a firm believer in the saying "Perception is reality," and unfortunately for me, they way that I meant it and the way it was perceived were horribly different and I take responsibility for that. In the few hours that the GoFundMe page was live, $80 was donated and I have reimbursed every dollar.
In April, I vowed to raise $1000 to help those fighting cancer and benefit the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center. I'm doing the 25-mile bike ride, otherwise known as Obliteride next month and would love your support once more.
Click the banner above to donate to one of the many worthy causes that are way more important than a destination birthday party.
All in all, while I don't believe my initial intentions were bad, we let it turn into a horrible mess. I'm sorry. Hopefully now you better understand my intentions, forgive me for my faults, and help those that are truly in need.
In order to move forward, we must first look back. I've got to understand and accept why and how I've gotten to this point. Sad, lonely, insecure. A little over a year ago, I wrote an unapologetically real and uncensored post about exactly what raced through my head. Actually, I shouldn't use the past tense. These words still race through my head. Below are a few exceprts from that post. (To read it in its entirety, click HERE. My Personal and Private Struggle with Weight, Body Image, and Self-Confidence)
The extra pounds I carry might as well be a neon lit sign shining brightly that screams, "I'm not in control!"
I've put off life experiences because I think I'll be able to enjoy them more without this extra weight.
My weight is a physical barrier for the emotional wall I've put up, especially with men.
My confidence shield is just a show. Yes, I have a lucrative job. Yes, I'm an independent woman. And yes, I'm funny from time to time. But don't mistake any of that for confidence. I'm not confident at all.
My outside, my fat exterior, screams that I'm scared, unhappy, and extremely self-conscious. That makes my inside ugly and weak and no one wants to be around that, including me.
Truthfully, I can't bring myself to read the entire post. It takes me back to a place I never thought I'd be at again but after a rollercoaster of emotions during the past month, here I am. In my own personal hell.
I got in the right mindset. I got my diet right. I got back together with a trainer I trusted. A friend who I could I let my guard down with. But after less than a month, he stopped showing up. He stopped answering my calls. He completely stopped.
It makes me so sad. Why did he give up on me? I worked hard. Why didn't he? My nightmare came true. Not only was he my trainer. He was my friend. And he dropped me. He didn't care. He doesn't care. Screw him. I care.
Below you'll hear a clip from the morning radio show I co-host. This is the most real radio I've done, ever. Listen as I share about my recent disappointment and my cry for help.
So what now? After that clip aired, I was bombarded with messages from friends and strangers alike. I read every tweet, email, and text. I was overwhelmed but through it all, I discovered a couple of new potential trainers. This week I'll be meeting with them and planning my new route to success.
This journey is about making yourself happy. The only way to be happy a week, a month, a year from now is to simply start today. Be happy with one day. Go to bed tonight knowing you accomplished one day because that's all it takes to start! Just one day.
Please stay tuned for more "Weight Loss Wednesday" posts and in the meantime, you'll still get what you expect from this blog. More "What's Ellen Tailor Wearing" photos, favorite beauty products, and more.
Thank you for sharing this journey with me.
To ready Weight Loss Wednesday #2 and to meet my trainer, click HERE.
Thanks to the P1 who reminded me of this great color!!! OPI's My Chihuahua Bites is great for summer. It was hiding in the back of my polish collection and I'm glad I rediscovered it. What are you favorite summer colors?
So, I'm late. (This shouldn't be surprising to anyone!) Here's what was inside my May AND June IPSY bags.
If you don't know whatIPSYis, it's a subscription box service that costs $10 a month and they'll mail you 4-5 beauty products personalized just for you. And it comes in a bright pink package! I loooooooveIPSY!
Click HERE to read which one was the worst bag I've ever received. Also, one of these products is my absolute favorite thing EVER and I think every woman needs to have it in her purse. Wanna know what it is? Click HERE.
Want to sign up for an IPSY subscription? Just click....HERE.